I Should Probably Keep This to Myself
May 19, 2008 by Becky
Ok, so I’m pregnant with our second child. I still haven’t quite wrapped my head around it. I mean, I know it’s true but I can’t quite comprehend what our reality will be like this time next year.
This is much like my first pregnancy.
Except, this time, I no longer have the luxury of assuming bad stuff won’t happen to me or my child. You would think this would have me terrified but strangely, it doesn’t. What I am is much more introspective than during my first pregnancy.
I know what to be afraid of this time and what isn’t worth worrying about. I don’t even read the pregnancy books. They are filled with bad stuff that could happen that I can’t do anything about anyway. I did everything right with Abby and bad stuff still happened.
In a lot of ways, I feel very guilty about this new baby. My motivation for having another baby is that Abby needs someone who loves her who is going to (hopefully) outlive me. I feel guilty about that because I’m supposed to be in faith for her to get better. But, I can’t wait forever to have more children so what do I do? I thought about adopting but I don’t think that I should adopt a child hoping that they will take care of Abby when they are older. That doesn’t seem right.
*Disclaimer* My husband did not share my motivation for another child. He just wanted to add another child to our family. He isn’t as crazy as I am. LOL
And, I feel guilty because everyone keeps telling me this child will be fine. What if that is true? Is that fair? How is that fair to Abby? And, how will that change our every day life? Will I be giving the new child more attention? Will I be giving Abby more attention? What will Abby think about the fact that her brother or sister can walk while she can’t? (And, why do I keep thinking like that? I’m supposed to be in faith.)
What if it isn’t true? What if there are problems and something similar happens again? Will we be able to deal with it? How will I feel about that? I think I would feel like I let both of my children down in the worst way. (Once again, not really a faith statement.)
If I’m perfectly honest, I’m not sure how I can trust that this little one is going to be ok when Abby wasn’t. And, I’m not sure I understand how it could have happened. I’ve read lots of books and spent a lot of time in the Bible and I still just don’t understand how to make myself trust. And, yet, I know I have to. I’m sorry. That is probably disappointing to some. But, I wouldn’t be telling the truth if I said that I’m not struggling.
See, while I’m calm about the small stuff, I’m a little internally crazy about all this other stuff. I received some good advice telling me to just enjoy this pregnancy but so far, I just can’t. I’m not upset all the time. To the contrary, I’m very calm. I’m not unhappy at all. I feel very fortunate and I am very much looking forward to meeting the new Kankelbaby. But, this was not an easy decision and now, I’m having to walk it out.
So there ya go, all my craziness on the internet. LOL
i think that all of the feelings you have are not crazy, but actually quite normal. i can only imagine that it is intensified for you. i have no doubt that when the little kankelbaby gets here there will be so much love all the way around. i also think it’s normal to worry. please don’t beat yourself up for not having complete faith.
I appreciate that you blogged in such an honest way. Last week I found out I had cancer in my stomach but that it is not the origin, so I’m going through tests to find out where the cancer originated. I believe I will be healed. However, I went through similar struggles about the status of my faith as I decided to start getting my affairs in order such as Living will, Medical Pwr of Atty, Funeral plans. I talked to my bible study leader, who assured me that leaving everything in order to make it easier on the family if they should have to later deal with these issues is the RIGHT thing to do. Somehow when she said that it rang true to me. Hope I am passing on that assurance to you.
As a matter of fact, perhaps you could have several children & let them share in responsibilities in later years. You might be surprised, an adopted child might be even more empathetic than blood relatives. I’ll be in prayer for you & your family.
You do have faith, you took a leap of faith to try again for a baby. I know that if if something is a little out of the “norm” with our child, we assume all the responsiblity. I am pregnant with my first baby. I was told last week that my baby would likely have a cleft pallet. I know this is cosmetic and something relatively small, but I looked at the doctor with such ease and left it to God. If God wants to give me a child that may need surgery right after birth, I am prepared. Of course, no mother wants their child to suffer or be in the hospital longer need be, but I know God won’t give me a load bigger than what I can handle. Yes, I have cried over it because I don’t want that for my baby, but I am letting this be played out by God’s plan. Remember God’s plan is always bigger than ours. God is going to give you another perfect baby. Remember we all are an image of God. I have been through so many obstacles with this pregnancy. I have been humbled by all of this. I have never held on to God as much as I have now. Regardless of the outcome God will always have all the glory. We’ll be praying for you.
Wow….
Becky, you are awesome…. Being Honest and Real with yourself is good therapy, I think…. God is in Control, just let Him be, and enjoy getting a big round belly
I think Cynthia said it best about the adopted child…. I have an adopted daughter (I was there for the birth), and my Love for her is sometimes stronger than my birthed child. There, I said it too. You see, Honesty, it’s Goooood, and so is Our God.
My heart and my prayers go out to both of you (Becky and Cynthia)
Becky, you know I’m praying for you! Your thoughts are very normal and totally understandable. You are so beautiful and strong and you will make such a wonderful mommy to this new baby! And Abby, she will love having a baby brother or sister, can’t you just imagine the look on her face when she sees him/her? God will provide! Love ya girl!
Becca
First off, you are awesome to open yourself up like this. And with any second baby, you have to learn to balance attention, no matter what your circumstances. And Kankelbaby#2 will not know Abby as anything different than who she is, which is how mom and dad also know and love big sister. It’s amazing how children think and process things; just as simply as things should be.
And God only gives you challenges that he knows you can handle; even if you think you can’t. It’s up to you what you make of it. Don’t feel guilty about your reasons for having KankelBaby#2; you are creating a sibling bond that needs no other reason other than the fact that they are there for each other. Baby#2 will learn things from Abby more than you might think.
You guys are blessed. And you will have so much fun with two children! It’s an amazing thing to watch their bond.
Congratulations!
becky, i am totally praying for you. i think the world of you & your family, and i completely respect that even tho this may be a blessing, it is a big change and a big step for the kankels!!
much love and many prayers, my friend… God is good, and He is with you. He knows you and He loves you.
Totally appreciate your honesty, Becky.
Walking a journey of faith myself.
It has shaken my life up just a little bit.
But oh how sweet it is to come out on the otherside and feel his presence and know that He is ok with our questions, our struggles and He knows those are questions we were going to ask…LONG before He ever put the circumstances in our lives!
I am praying with you my friend!
Blessings!
Amanda
Becky,
Wow…you took the words right out of my head. I am in almost the exact same situation as you. My daughter, Reagan, is in the midst of tons of health problems…the worst of which are the hundreds of seizures she’s having on a daily basis. We still have no answers as to why she struggles with these health problems, all tests genetic or otherwise have yielded no new info. I actually just mentioned this on Reagan’s blog yesterday. I never once questioned that my baby would be born healthy…and she was healthy for a while. Then it hit us like a ton of bricks. How can you have a healthy baby one day and an unhealthy one the next?? It happens. And we too are standing in faith that Reagan is going to beat this. That we are going to find something to treat these horrid seizures and that she’ll begin to catch up developmentally…she’ll walk and talk. But many kids with seizures never do and there are no guarantees. So where does that leave us? Do we dare have another child (for us…for Reagan) knowing what Reagan has had to go through. I don’t know. As you said, we’re not getting any younger…it’s a tough decision. And you’ve made it…we’re still struggling with it. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone (feel free to contact me at anytime) and you are in my prayers!
Tera
Becky-
I think your feelings are very normal, and I’d be surprised if you felt any other way. It’s hard for anyone, I think, to just enjoy a pregnancy. Everyone worries about the unknown. Everyone worries about their babies and not everyone has been given the challenges that you have been given. Regardless of what happens you will be okay and you are a wonderful mom! I really admire you for what you do every day. I will keep you and your family in my prayers!
Love,
Paige
Hey Becky,
My name is Kelley Bates and I am 18 years old. I am not a mother, but I feel that I can give you some insight into what it’s like (your baby’s perspective, if you will) of a sister with special needs.
My 16-year-old sister, Natalie, has autism. My parents prayed for healing for her for three years (refusing to seek medical help, believing that God would view that as “not being in faith”. Your constant statements about feeling as if you’re not in faith really brought back some memories for me.) Finally, by the time my sister was three, my mom knew that she could no longer deny my sister’s disorder; she had to seek help and intervene and begin therapies to help her.
My parents used to have very different views on faith than they do now. Before I was born, my mom lost a child (my brother) when he was only six months old. My parents were so believing for healing that my dad believed that my brother was going to rise from the dead. After dealing with this situation and my sister’s autism (which, has been managed, but not ‘healed’
their views on healing have majorly changed (in a very good way). For reasons that only God knows, some people are not healed. I think that it is truly awesome that you and Mike are believing for healing for Abby Grace’s CP and I believe that God can do anything at any time and that healing could very much happen for Abby Grace. Keeping that possibility in mind, I think it’s also important to acknowledge that God does not heal all people and that, being on the recieving end of not recieving a healing, it does not mean that God does not love you or have a plan for your life; it means quite the opposite. As Christians, we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him (meaning, us!) We love God and He is using these people that we view as “not being healed” as blessings in our lives — working not against His plan, but being turned around into good and used as a part of His perfect plan. I know that you must logically know that Abby Grace’s health and the health of your baby is not a result of who you are as a person, but the Devil works overtime at trying to make us believe just that — so it never hurts to be reminded.
Though my sister has not be “healed”, she has been a tremendous blessing in my life (As I know you see Abby Grace in the same way). God has allowed her to continue to have autism, but I believe that there is a reason for that — that I will some day know when I talk with my Jesus face to face. My sister would be considered more on the “low-functioning” end of the spectrum of autism, so her ability to take care of herself could be compared to that of an infant’s.
As I was growing up, it was definitely hard at times having a sister with autism. I remember middle school being especially hard, because I would get embarrased when my mom would carpool and my sister would throw a “biting and hitting” fit in the front seat. I still remember my friends asking me, “why is she doing that” or the confused/scared looks on their faces. My best friend growing up had three little sisters, all typical — and I would think, “that’s so not fair; she is too lucky”. (Keep in mind — these were only “moments”.) Growing up with a sister with special needs gave me a heart for anyone (not only people with disabilities) who was hurting, which made me an extremely compassionate and giving person. In High School, I would sit with the students at the Special Ed table at lunch and take some of them out to dinner on the weekends. If I ever saw someone teasing or picking on someone with special needs (or anyone, for that matter), I would stand up for them and give them a speech. During High School, I won Class Favorite, Homecoming Dutchess, and Homecoming Princess. I was very well-liked. I say this not to brag, but to illustrate what kind of character was given to me as a gift — from growing up with a sister with autism. I would not be the person that I am today without my sister — and for that, I truly thank God that He didn’t just heal her according to MY “perfect” plan and do as I so desperately wanted when I was a kid; He has developed so many wonderful qualities in not only me, but other members of my family — because of my sister — and used her as a way to bring others to Christ.
I am on fire for God and I truly live my life for Him and only Him. And — I can honestly say — my sister has been a factor in this.
None of us know the outcome of your new baby’s health. But I do know this: typical, or not, Abby Grace will have an amazing impact on their lives and will treasure her presence. Though others might see my sister as someone that I have to take care of after my parents pass away, I see it as an opportunity to bring others to Christ and demonstrate the incredible power of God turning every single situation into good. I’m not sure if me or my brother or someone else will end up taking full care of my sister when I am older, but that is not for me to worry about. God is in control of both my life and your life, Becky. He will work out all of these finer details and give us the peace of Christ — that surpasses all human understanding — along our journey.
God bless you and if you would like to e-mail me back, my e-mail is ***********@yahoo.com.
Love love and more love!,
Kelley Bates
You are incredibly brave - I don’t have that guts!!