I’ve been asking myself that question over and over again.
I don’t know what to do now.
It’s not really about the miscarriage. While it is disappointing, it isn’t a major tragedy in my life. That isn’t to say that it isn’t devastating to some, but I have been dealing with it pretty well.
But, Abby’s condition has been a major tragedy in my life. And, I guess the miscarriage has just made me feel even more “picked on”.
Last night, I read Angie Smith’s blog post about the threshing floor. It was so moving and so spiritually insightful. She is amazing.
I’m not like her. I’m not amazing. I haven’t turned to God and built an altar on my threshing floor. I don’t. even. want. to. I’m tired of being sifted.
So, how do I get there from here?
How do I get to the place where I’m no longer so angry about what has happened to my daughter? I never pray for anything for myself. All my prayers are for her, and recently, for the safety and health of my unborn child.
I want my prayers to be answered and I want to feel close to Him. But, I don’t know how to get there from here.
My heart is going to have to change and it is going to take work. I’m not sure how to accomplish it but I’m going to have to trust God that He will help me. Right now, I’m choosing to trust in Him even though everything within me tells me I shouldn’t.
Is this what it is all about? Trusting Him despite all of your circumstances?
I think it is.
I don’t like it. But, I think it is.
Like Angie said in her post, if your sacrifice doesn’t cost you something, it doesn’t mean much. I think I’ve been holding on to my hurt and indignation and wrapping it around me like a security blanket. To sacrifice that will cost me something. He says he’ll give us beauty in return for our ashes, comfort in return for our tears. I never realized, until now, that those ashes and tears would be my sacrifice to Him.